first entry? oh...

okay so... i have no idea how this works.

i just have so much going through my head in any given moment and i just need somewhere, some place to spill everything out. i don't even know if anyone can see this entry? i haven't looked anything up, just created an account and now i'm typing. i don't even know why i'm writing in english when turkish is actually my native language. i guess in case anyone's able to see it.

so if you want to journal, why do it in a "public" website? if you want people to see it, why not just use one of the million social media apps out there?

okay so, here's the thing. i actually do crave attention. it took me so long to actually accept this, but i finally did. i want attention.

well, actually, i just want to be seen. i just want someone to look at me, at what i'm going through and just... see it. that's it. i know that's easily achievable through social media and trust me i am unfortunately an "avid" user of most social media platforms. twitter, instagram, tiktok... you name it. it just doesn't feel genuine anymore. i guess it never really did. i've been chronically online (ugh, i hate that term) for like 12 years now and am slowly accepting that i can't ever make social media feel genuine. even if i create a private little twitter account with only 20 people in it and pour my heart out, i'm never gonna feel seen by those people.

and here i am at 2 am on a random monday night, typing without ever thinking about it. i've been so sick these last couple of days, got the flu or something. terrible. have been staying at my mom's and will go back to my dorm tomorrow. kind of had a meltdown a couple days ago. i wish i could say that i worried people, but i really don't think i did. i don't know if i'm allowed to feel bad about that.

anyways, new kendrick album dropped like 2 days ago and i still haven't listened to it. wanna know why? it's cause i haven't showered in 5 days (i know, disgusting, but i was sick!!) and now i feel so filthy that i don't think i can listen to it. does that make sense? no? i know.

books books books

my mom broke her wrist and i just got back to my dorm from the hospital. i spent the weekend at my mom's and brought back two poetry books.

one is "the collected poems of dylan thomas", printed in 1957!

i bought it from the cutest secondhand bookshop in great barrington, massachusetts while i was there working at dunkin for the summer! i've been wanting to read dylan thomas for a while now, but none of his works were printed here in turkey and i couldn't find any foreign prints either. i first heard about him through the song "dylan thomas" by better oblivion community center (the indie musical duo of phoebe bridgers and conor oberst of bright eyes) and honestly i'm interested in anything conor oberst mentions so i just had to get the book! oh i also bought a vinyl of the album this song is in from the record shop right next door.

the second book i brought is the collected poems of rimbaud, who is my all time favourite poet! the cool thing about this book is that it's a "bilingual edition" of the book, which means on the left, you'll see the original text (which is french) and on the right it'll be the translated (english) version. while i do know french, i study french literature, it's just so fun seeing how someone translates texts, especially poems. i feel like i'm reading two separate poets, authors.

headaches

i have my spanish literature midterm tomorrow and i have the worst headache. i ordered a cappuccino and a slice of chocolate cake hoping it'd make me feel better but no luck.

i want to stop constantly having to do something to distract my brain. i can't even enjoy a simple youtube video. i used to love discovering new music and i would always listen to at least one new album a day but i'm just not able to do so anymore. i would come across some random album with like a thousand listens on spotify and i'd listen to it start to finish and only focus on the music and i loved doing that. even if the album was terrible i'd get so much joy out of it. nothing gives me joy anymore.

i feel like i'm just stalling my feelings and my thoughts but i don't know how much longer i could go on. do i have a headache because i'm sick or do i have a headache because i'm constantly trying to stimulate every sense i have and it's becoming too much.? i always have my headphones on, with noise cancelling turned on, a video playing in the back. have my phone in my hand playing a simple puzzle game while having no idea about the video playing in the background. i do hear it and i do see it. it just doesn't matter. the only thing that matters is leaving my brain no room to think.

i know i'm just blabbering in these posts but i think they're helping me. i started writing this post thinking i would write the first sentence and post it. just the first sentence. like a tweet. short and to the point. but here i am going on and on. i know i write a bit terribly, which is a shame considering i'm a literature major writing dissertations left and right, but i try not to worry about that too much. about these posts helping me. this is my third one and every time i write, i can just focus on writing. nothing else. i do take little breaks sometimes for like a minute or two but i get drawn back to writing for some reason. i have a physical journal, a little diary i bought in 2022 when i was visiting amsterdam. two years passed and i'm not even halfway through the notebook. and it's a tiny little notebook. i think it's easier to type because i get so overwhelmed in my emotions when i'm physically writing. i drown in my words. i do love writing though, the feeling of a nice pen scribbling on the paper.

also you know what? the first two posts i wrote i didn't even have music playing in the background while writing them! which is like, a huge deal for me. this time i do have my lofi playlist on shuffle and it's so nice. i bought new headphones last week. they're way too fancy and expensive for me but i thought, why not? just for once, i'm going to get myself something nice. it was supposed to be a birthday present for me, from me. but it took me two months to actually convince myself to get them. i take listening to music a bit too seriously. not that i know too much about music but i love listening to albums like. listening to a complete work of art as a whole, not just a single song. i miss that. i should do that. maybe once my headache's gone.
the sweet crisp sound of lofi songs sound so good in my ears right now. i was feeling really overwhelmed when i first started writing this post but now i just feel... relaxed? well not fully relaxed, obviously, but still a bit... more at ease. i did make the mistake of looking at my phone for a second right in the middle of my last sentence and my peace was disturbed to say the least. just some twitch and twitter notifications but i think i hate looking at my phone now.

okay my headache just got like, super bad. otherwise i would have been good i think. which is like, super nice.





wait
am i getting my period soon