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i've been thinking a lot about faith recently.

see, i was raised without religion. it had no power over my life whatsoever. of course growing up in turkey, i would eventually have to face god.

it was when i was in sixth grade, i should've been around ten or eleven, that i learned about the existence of god, in context of islam.

i remember a random teacher talking about religion, saying that we're all muslims. i didn't know what to think. i didn't know who allah was, let alone believing in him. that day after school, i practically ran to the stationery store and grabbed a copy of the quran.

i must have read it in a day or two. the rush you feel reading about such miraculous things. pretty much any religious text reads like an epic novel to a ten year old when you think about it. obviously i was somewhat fascinated by it. but mostly i was... confused..? enraged, even..? like, there's supposed to be this "higher being" who is so loving yet horrifying, so merciful yet so cruel? i just couldn't make sense of it. this god, seeing all of humanity as his lieges, demanding just so, so much from them.
how big does your ego have to be to act that way? how is this a true "self-existent", "uncreated" god?
these were the questions i was asking myself. and if that were the case, then i refused to be his servant. i didn't want to believe in a hateful god. i was going to rebel.

this emained my point of view for the next twelve years. of course i did take a look at the bible and such sometime in those years, but i thought the idea of god was pretty much the same in all.

so what changed?

well, you see, i had a rough summer in 2024. i got let down by so many people. one after the other. my life was falling apart.
the summer ended, everyone got their clean slates with it. except me. i was still trying to pick up all the mess. all by myself. without having a single person, a single soul to rely on. i was so paranoid all the time. not being able to trust anyone. going through crazy meltdowns over the littlest things. i stopped going to school, to work. stopped talking to friends. i would stay in bed all day not being able to bring myself to do anything. not even being able to get up to go to the bathroom. i would wait until the very last second and just as i'd be on the literal verge of pissing myself, before actually being able to get out of bed.
you can imagine how tiring that must have been, right?

i've never had a proper family. never felt like i had a mom, never felt like i had a dad. i've never been taken care of. just a little baby trying to stay alive. never had a proper community, outer family, neighbours and such. never had proper, solid friendships or relationships. i'd always try to trust people. i mean oftentimes i did. i would, however, always end up being disappointed and hurt.

around my 23rd birthday, late october. i suddenly had this urgent NEED for a community. this current state of our capitalist society filled to the brim with hyperindividualism was driving me insane.
"you're always on your own."
"you need to be able to handle everything all by yourself."
"you should never EVER depend on others."

no.
i wanted to care for people and i wanted to be cared for in return.
i needed, -no, i craved- human connection.
i craved love.

i decided on my birthday exactly, which fell on a sunday, that i would go to church.
so, did i?
of course not.
not because i was scared or anything. i just avoided going. stayed over at a friend's house the night before so i'd have an excuse to not go.
then i avoided it even more. for like two months.

i think it was mid december when i randomly decided to actually go.
i woke up early, took a shower, put on a nice dress. i even wore a bra, something i almost never do. after all, i had to look presentable before god, right?

so i walk in, and the first question i get asked is "are you hungry?". i'm a literal stranger to these people and they ask me if i'm hungry before anything else. as a child deprived of food and care, who still has huge issues with food, i maybe felt for the first time in my life, welcomed. i politely declined even though i was actually quite starving.

i kept going to church every sunday after that. seeing this community consisting of people who had nothing but love and care for each other, i slowly started to want to become a part of it.

was it selfish of me to consider actually believing in a religion just because i felt so happy in church? it was about the people and not about god himself, after all.

selfish or not, i kept on going.

"what is belief?
what does it mean to believe?
does consciously deciding to believe count?
does saying "i believe" count?
is it a feeling?"
are the questions quoted directly from my journal.

so obviously, even after i started going to church, i wasn’t sure. was i really believing, or was i just going through the motions? some days, i felt something real, something bigger than myself. other days, i felt like i was forcing it, like i was just clinging to this community because i was lonely. like i was using god as an excuse to feel less alone. but the more i thought about it, the more i realized, why shouldn’t faith be about love? why shouldn’t it be about connection? if god is love, then isn't finding him through love the most natural thing?

i started thinking about god more and more often. i never had trouble believing in some sort of a god, just the idea of god i had in my head didn't correspond to the idea of god christianity had, i must admit. in my head, god was not good nor bad. as good and bad were human-made concepts that god preceded. thinking of god as either of these concepts were an insult to him. we as humans could not be able to process the greatness of god enough to be able to put him in these boxes. it made perfect sense to me.

but, with more time, i started having this idea of subjectivity that rejects the supremacy of rationalism and instead sort of "celebrates" faith and the irrational. i found myself in search of authentic existence. thinking about the complexities of human existence and the existential dilemmas of human life.

i came across this video on kierkegaard saying he argued that "subjective truth is the truth of lived experience, the truth that is inwardly appropriated by the individual through personal commitments and existential choice. a personal truth is still a type of truth even if it did not amount to some sort of grand universal claim.".

now, i've always loved camus and viewed the human life as being fundamentally characterized by uncertainty, anxiety and the inevitability of suffering. acknowledging the absurdity of human life and embracing these uncertainties. from this, i come to kierkegaard's maybe the most influential concept, the "leap of faith". basically that genuine faith involves a subjective commitment to the paradoxical and irrational truths of religion. even in the absence of any objective evidence or rational justifications.

so, through much more thought, i decided that i want to take that leap of faith.

on february 13, i randomly came across hebrews 11:1.
"now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not yet seen".

i feel like this was the answer to my questions. since then, i have been coming to peace with god. i choose to "trust in the lord with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding". (proverbs 3:5)

i'm stopping looking for a literal answer from god. stopping agonizing because god is quiet.
god is with me and he will never leave me nor forsake me.

i once saw god as cruel. now, i see him as love. and that is enough for me.

i'm sorry i haven't written in like... two weeks almost? maybe even more? i don't know.
i thought i was fine and then suddenly everything became just... really overwhelming.
i don't even know what i'd write about.
maybe i should write about how i had some of the worst meltdowns of my life, stopped going to school and pretty much gave up on everything in life. i don't even care anymore. i can't care. i used to care so much. about school, classes, my responsibilities, people. i loved what i was studying and actually enjoyed going to classes. i don't anymore. i don't have the strength. i guess i do still care about people but it's different now. i care about other people's perceptions of me. i've become so paranoid it's not even funny. in my head, every person i know is just scheming behind my back. they're all wishing terrible things to happen to me and they're actively and collectively all working together to make my life miserable. how the fuck can that be true? it can't. it's just what i've made myself believe. i feel like i'm going crazy. i don't know what's happening. i don't trust a single person and it's making everything so much worse.

i did go to a psychiatrist. a professor, actually. some old dude who's supposed to be really good.
it was fine but i'm not sure if i feel "understood". he's starting me back on my meds. it's clomipramine. aside from being the only antidepressant that has ever helped me, it's also really good for my obsessions. i never knew how obsessive i was until very recently. so i'm kinda hopeful but we'll see. the doctor mentioned that it might make me manic so i have to look out for that. he also suggested that i stop going to school for a while and we do ECT, which is electroconvulsive therapy, which is literally electroshock therapy. i'm considering it but i'm scared of the "major side effect" of it being amnesia. i don't know how "major" it is so i'll have to do more research on it.

there's just so much to worry about. constantly. like not being sure if i'll have housing next year or if i'll be able to make ends meet financially, while i'm still studying.

all these meltdowns and my mental health crisis also means that i won't be able to graduate this year. as someone who freaks out over the slightest change in a plan they've made, this is huge for me. i'm just trying to make peace with it.

i talked to my best friend on the phone today for like two hours. i've kinda been ignoring her while all of these were going down bc she's in the netherlands getting her masters. i guess we were both kinda ignoring each other come to think of it. anyways, it was nice. i went out for a walk and to buy some cigarettes while we were talking bc it's so difficult to be talking on the phone when i'm at my dorm. obviously i didn't think our call would last 2 hours otherwise i would've worn something more weather appropriate but i ended up just walking around in my pyjamas and freezing my ass off.

when i got back, i watched scott pilgrim vs. the world with alex. it was so nice<3 i ate a whole pack of doritos which i'll probably regret tomorrow when i see my terrible acne but... movie night deserved it.

also i somehow managed to delete the photos on my older posts, kinda bummed about it but i'll survive.

so i know i didn't write yesterday. i didn't even plan to write every day but it felt weird not to. but i did have my reason, i officially had the worst day ever. i woke up with my mom screaming at me over the phone for not answering her text (i was sleeping). and i cried so hard i got a headache that just does not go away (notice how that's not past tense? haha). it started around noon, and the whole day i had to cry in bed because of my pain. i'd get these hot flashes, get nauseous and throw up and all that stuff, just your typical migraine stuff which i'm used to at this point. then... around 10 pm, my vision just got blurred all of a sudden. like can't see anything and everything's just a big blur kinda thing. i did panic quite a bit, ngl but i was just going to stay in bed crying a bit more trying not to think about it. unfortunately, my roommate who studies medicine kinda forced me to go to the er... so i did. i was at the er around 11 pm, saw the doctor, he wanted an mri and a ct so i go and do those (which took around 3 hours) and then had to wait 2 hours for a report on the mri. got some painkillers through iv while waiting for that. which did not help AT ALL. like i was still in so so so much pain. anyways, around 4 am we get the report and the doctor says "so we, the doctors, don't know how to read the ct or the mri and the reports just say... sinusitis. so we're prescribing you antibiotics". i was DEVASTATED. also i told them i was allergic to that specific antibiotic they were prescribing me and they went ahead and prescribed it anyways because they said they didn't know what else to do. didn't even give me any painkillers lmao. i ended up bawling my eyes out the whole taxi ride back to my dorm at almost 5 in the morning. what a night.

it has now been i think 27 hours and i still have a headache. which sounds... not normal but this kind of is my normal. i get these headaches that last for like 5-7 days pretty regularly. like CONSTANT headaches that do not go away AT ALL for 7 days straight. lol. kinda used to it at this point but also kinda exhausted.

didn't go to class today and i think i'm gonna be failing. i do have a shift tonight at the cafe though :/ i like being a barista but i'm just so so tired.

anyways here's a picture of a cat i saw & pet at the hospital while waiting to go into mri:


and here's my head
yes
literally

i have my spanish literature midterm tomorrow and i have the worst headache. i ordered a cappuccino and a slice of chocolate cake hoping it'd make me feel better but no luck.

i want to stop constantly having to do something to distract my brain. i can't even enjoy a simple youtube video. i used to love discovering new music and i would always listen to at least one new album a day but i'm just not able to do so anymore. i would come across some random album with like a thousand listens on spotify and i'd listen to it start to finish and only focus on the music and i loved doing that. even if the album was terrible i'd get so much joy out of it. nothing gives me joy anymore.

i feel like i'm just stalling my feelings and my thoughts but i don't know how much longer i could go on. do i have a headache because i'm sick or do i have a headache because i'm constantly trying to stimulate every sense i have and it's becoming too much.? i always have my headphones on, with noise cancelling turned on, a video playing in the back. have my phone in my hand playing a simple puzzle game while having no idea about the video playing in the background. i do hear it and i do see it. it just doesn't matter. the only thing that matters is leaving my brain no room to think.

i know i'm just blabbering in these posts but i think they're helping me. i started writing this post thinking i would write the first sentence and post it. just the first sentence. like a tweet. short and to the point. but here i am going on and on. i know i write a bit terribly, which is a shame considering i'm a literature major writing dissertations left and right, but i try not to worry about that too much. about these posts helping me. this is my third one and every time i write, i can just focus on writing. nothing else. i do take little breaks sometimes for like a minute or two but i get drawn back to writing for some reason. i have a physical journal, a little diary i bought in 2022 when i was visiting amsterdam. two years passed and i'm not even halfway through the notebook. and it's a tiny little notebook. i think it's easier to type because i get so overwhelmed in my emotions when i'm physically writing. i drown in my words. i do love writing though, the feeling of a nice pen scribbling on the paper.

also you know what? the first two posts i wrote i didn't even have music playing in the background while writing them! which is like, a huge deal for me. this time i do have my lofi playlist on shuffle and it's so nice. i bought new headphones last week. they're way too fancy and expensive for me but i thought, why not? just for once, i'm going to get myself something nice. it was supposed to be a birthday present for me, from me. but it took me two months to actually convince myself to get them. i take listening to music a bit too seriously. not that i know too much about music but i love listening to albums like. listening to a complete work of art as a whole, not just a single song. i miss that. i should do that. maybe once my headache's gone.
the sweet crisp sound of lofi songs sound so good in my ears right now. i was feeling really overwhelmed when i first started writing this post but now i just feel... relaxed? well not fully relaxed, obviously, but still a bit... more at ease. i did make the mistake of looking at my phone for a second right in the middle of my last sentence and my peace was disturbed to say the least. just some twitch and twitter notifications but i think i hate looking at my phone now.

okay my headache just got like, super bad. otherwise i would have been good i think. which is like, super nice.





wait
am i getting my period soon

okay so... i have no idea how this works.

i just have so much going through my head in any given moment and i just need somewhere, some place to spill everything out. i don't even know if anyone can see this entry? i haven't looked anything up, just created an account and now i'm typing. i don't even know why i'm writing in english when turkish is actually my native language. i guess in case anyone's able to see it.

so if you want to journal, why do it in a "public" website? if you want people to see it, why not just use one of the million social media apps out there?

okay so, here's the thing. i actually do crave attention. it took me so long to actually accept this, but i finally did. i want attention.

well, actually, i just want to be seen. i just want someone to look at me, at what i'm going through and just... see it. that's it. i know that's easily achievable through social media and trust me i am unfortunately an "avid" user of most social media platforms. twitter, instagram, tiktok... you name it. it just doesn't feel genuine anymore. i guess it never really did. i've been chronically online (ugh, i hate that term) for like 12 years now and am slowly accepting that i can't ever make social media feel genuine. even if i create a private little twitter account with only 20 people in it and pour my heart out, i'm never gonna feel seen by those people.

and here i am at 2 am on a random monday night, typing without ever thinking about it. i've been so sick these last couple of days, got the flu or something. terrible. have been staying at my mom's and will go back to my dorm tomorrow. kind of had a meltdown a couple days ago. i wish i could say that i worried people, but i really don't think i did. i don't know if i'm allowed to feel bad about that.

anyways, new kendrick album dropped like 2 days ago and i still haven't listened to it. wanna know why? it's cause i haven't showered in 5 days (i know, disgusting, but i was sick!!) and now i feel so filthy that i don't think i can listen to it. does that make sense? no? i know.