guess who's back... sorry
Dec. 13th, 2024 12:12 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bowloforangesi'm sorry i haven't written in like... two weeks almost? maybe even more? i don't know.
i thought i was fine and then suddenly everything became just... really overwhelming.
i don't even know what i'd write about.
maybe i should write about how i had some of the worst meltdowns of my life, stopped going to school and pretty much gave up on everything in life. i don't even care anymore. i can't care. i used to care so much. about school, classes, my responsibilities, people. i loved what i was studying and actually enjoyed going to classes. i don't anymore. i don't have the strength. i guess i do still care about people but it's different now. i care about other people's perceptions of me. i've become so paranoid it's not even funny. in my head, every person i know is just scheming behind my back. they're all wishing terrible things to happen to me and they're actively and collectively all working together to make my life miserable. how the fuck can that be true? it can't. it's just what i've made myself believe. i feel like i'm going crazy. i don't know what's happening. i don't trust a single person and it's making everything so much worse.
i did go to a psychiatrist. a professor, actually. some old dude who's supposed to be really good.
it was fine but i'm not sure if i feel "understood". he's starting me back on my meds. it's clomipramine. aside from being the only antidepressant that has ever helped me, it's also really good for my obsessions. i never knew how obsessive i was until very recently. so i'm kinda hopeful but we'll see. the doctor mentioned that it might make me manic so i have to look out for that. he also suggested that i stop going to school for a while and we do ECT, which is electroconvulsive therapy, which is literally electroshock therapy. i'm considering it but i'm scared of the "major side effect" of it being amnesia. i don't know how "major" it is so i'll have to do more research on it.
there's just so much to worry about. constantly. like not being sure if i'll have housing next year or if i'll be able to make ends meet financially, while i'm still studying.
all these meltdowns and my mental health crisis also means that i won't be able to graduate this year. as someone who freaks out over the slightest change in a plan they've made, this is huge for me. i'm just trying to make peace with it.
i talked to my best friend on the phone today for like two hours. i've kinda been ignoring her while all of these were going down bc she's in the netherlands getting her masters. i guess we were both kinda ignoring each other come to think of it. anyways, it was nice. i went out for a walk and to buy some cigarettes while we were talking bc it's so difficult to be talking on the phone when i'm at my dorm. obviously i didn't think our call would last 2 hours otherwise i would've worn something more weather appropriate but i ended up just walking around in my pyjamas and freezing my ass off.
when i got back, i watched scott pilgrim vs. the world with alex. it was so nice<3 i ate a whole pack of doritos which i'll probably regret tomorrow when i see my terrible acne but... movie night deserved it.
also i somehow managed to delete the photos on my older posts, kinda bummed about it but i'll survive.
i thought i was fine and then suddenly everything became just... really overwhelming.
i don't even know what i'd write about.
maybe i should write about how i had some of the worst meltdowns of my life, stopped going to school and pretty much gave up on everything in life. i don't even care anymore. i can't care. i used to care so much. about school, classes, my responsibilities, people. i loved what i was studying and actually enjoyed going to classes. i don't anymore. i don't have the strength. i guess i do still care about people but it's different now. i care about other people's perceptions of me. i've become so paranoid it's not even funny. in my head, every person i know is just scheming behind my back. they're all wishing terrible things to happen to me and they're actively and collectively all working together to make my life miserable. how the fuck can that be true? it can't. it's just what i've made myself believe. i feel like i'm going crazy. i don't know what's happening. i don't trust a single person and it's making everything so much worse.
i did go to a psychiatrist. a professor, actually. some old dude who's supposed to be really good.
it was fine but i'm not sure if i feel "understood". he's starting me back on my meds. it's clomipramine. aside from being the only antidepressant that has ever helped me, it's also really good for my obsessions. i never knew how obsessive i was until very recently. so i'm kinda hopeful but we'll see. the doctor mentioned that it might make me manic so i have to look out for that. he also suggested that i stop going to school for a while and we do ECT, which is electroconvulsive therapy, which is literally electroshock therapy. i'm considering it but i'm scared of the "major side effect" of it being amnesia. i don't know how "major" it is so i'll have to do more research on it.
there's just so much to worry about. constantly. like not being sure if i'll have housing next year or if i'll be able to make ends meet financially, while i'm still studying.
all these meltdowns and my mental health crisis also means that i won't be able to graduate this year. as someone who freaks out over the slightest change in a plan they've made, this is huge for me. i'm just trying to make peace with it.
i talked to my best friend on the phone today for like two hours. i've kinda been ignoring her while all of these were going down bc she's in the netherlands getting her masters. i guess we were both kinda ignoring each other come to think of it. anyways, it was nice. i went out for a walk and to buy some cigarettes while we were talking bc it's so difficult to be talking on the phone when i'm at my dorm. obviously i didn't think our call would last 2 hours otherwise i would've worn something more weather appropriate but i ended up just walking around in my pyjamas and freezing my ass off.
when i got back, i watched scott pilgrim vs. the world with alex. it was so nice<3 i ate a whole pack of doritos which i'll probably regret tomorrow when i see my terrible acne but... movie night deserved it.
also i somehow managed to delete the photos on my older posts, kinda bummed about it but i'll survive.
